I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
