everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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