After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
