I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
