the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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