EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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