Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
