I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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