The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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