You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
