I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
