i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
