you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
