i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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