it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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