her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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