I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
A bitchslap is in order.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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