Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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