I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
