Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
