it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
