Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
