I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
