Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
