how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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