You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
