it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
