ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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