You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We left the knife in your bed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
