My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
