I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
