...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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