Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize