M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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