I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
