I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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