The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
