the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
