I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Someone signed my nipple.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
