walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize