i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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