My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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