Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
