So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
