Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
