Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
