Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
