my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize