dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
