why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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