you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
