I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
