Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
