Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
