my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
