I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize