Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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