I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
