hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
