he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
