What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
