Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
