remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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