A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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