Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
