I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
