i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
