Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My bed smells like the plague
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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