She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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