The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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