and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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