They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
