How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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