I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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