i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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