I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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