im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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